This post is devoted to some of the emotional and mental tools you will need in order to be an overachiever at underachieving.
In order to prevent yourself from being buoyed up out of your loserly mindset by the passage of time or the innate human desire to seek a more fulfilling existence, you will need to set up an energy-saving feedback loop and it all starts with low self-esteem.
Low self-esteem feeds back on itself like a serpent consuming its own tail, leading you to deeper and deeper levels of fruitlessness and poor personal habits. Your lack of motivation and poor personal habits produce lower self-esteem and so on and so forth until one day you find yourself on a plateau that some people call "rock bottom" but I prefer to think of it as that spot in the couch that somehow retains the shape of your reclining body even after you've left it. You've worn a groove into your personality and it plays the lullaby of low self-esteem over and over again.
Instead of being like riding a bicycle, learning to devalue yourself is more like swinging on a swing set, or falling down the stairs. Fortunately, friends and family are often more than willing to give you a push. It especially helps if you surround yourself with individuals who like to criticize your appearance, ethnicity, mental aptitude, habits, dietary choices, sense of humor, taste in music, recreational activities, or anything else that makes you human. If you lose your way temporarily and begin to regain feelings of esteem for yourself, these people will eagerly jump in and save the day with helpful comments which you can then internalize and use to extract and eliminate your sense of self-worth, no matter where it tries to hide within your psyche. These people also make excellent targets for assigning blame later (see Lesson #2: Assigning Blame).
Some people will have to try harder than others to master the art of sucking at life, others, have a natural talent for it, but you, too, can hone the skills necessary to make you a world-class loser, just like me. All it takes is an unwillingness to learn and a negative attitude. Remember, you, too, are doomed to fail!
best,
LoserGirl
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Lesson 2: Assigning Blame
Okay, you've had a few days to work on the tips I suggested in my last post, it's time to move to the next level; Assigning blame.
The first qualification for anything you will do as a loser is that it must be unproductive. Assigning blame meets this qualification and serves a variety of other loserly duties as well. Finding people, places, and things to blame for your failures is easy and fun once you get the hang of it.
Blame can reach as far back as three generations in your family tree, or start with a bad tuna sandwich you ate last week. You can blame friends, family, world events, weather, and even the alignment of celestial bodies; anything you can use to increase your sense of powerlessness to change yourself or your life. Many people use childhood events or experiences to explain a lack of achievement, but if you really want to win at losing, you'll spread the blame around so that it sticks to everything like freshly cooked pasta in a cafeteria-wide food fight.
Now, there are some kill-joys out there (like Louis Zamperini) who have undergone horrible, terrifying and soul-destroying experiences, only to bounce back and achieve astonishing success. Their "inspirational" examples make it really hard on us to blame away our status as underachievers. Just take the opportunity to feel like more of a loser than ever, and then blame it on those bastards. There, see how easy that was? A practiced loser is able to process virtually any stimuli and turn it into another reason not to get off the couch today.
Let me give you a few personal examples of assigning blame. Today my hip hurts. It has hurt for about two days. This is probably due to my sedentary lifestyle and the fact that I tend to lounge on my left side quite a lot of the time. My hip hurts, therefore anything I was going to do today that may have been somewhat productive has been officially canceled. That's an example of a short-term blame assignment. For the bigger picture we have to zoom out a little bit.
"Hey, LoserGirl, why are you such a loser?" someone asks in a hypothetical tone of voice.
"Gosh, well, I really haven't thought about it. Ha ha! Just kidding. I do nothing but think about that all day and also pick my nose. Anyway, I guess it all started with my parents divorce and..."
You see where I'm going with this?
Choosing easy targets for your blame game will help the novice loser until he/she builds up enough experience to assemble highly complex and elaborate sets of variables in order to fabricate a truly impenetrable fortress of blame, shutting out any sense of personal responsibility or control. Blame should be like a thread that runs through everything in the tapestry of a loser's life. Give it a try this week and I think you'll notice results!
Best,
LoserGirl
The first qualification for anything you will do as a loser is that it must be unproductive. Assigning blame meets this qualification and serves a variety of other loserly duties as well. Finding people, places, and things to blame for your failures is easy and fun once you get the hang of it.
Blame can reach as far back as three generations in your family tree, or start with a bad tuna sandwich you ate last week. You can blame friends, family, world events, weather, and even the alignment of celestial bodies; anything you can use to increase your sense of powerlessness to change yourself or your life. Many people use childhood events or experiences to explain a lack of achievement, but if you really want to win at losing, you'll spread the blame around so that it sticks to everything like freshly cooked pasta in a cafeteria-wide food fight.
Now, there are some kill-joys out there (like Louis Zamperini) who have undergone horrible, terrifying and soul-destroying experiences, only to bounce back and achieve astonishing success. Their "inspirational" examples make it really hard on us to blame away our status as underachievers. Just take the opportunity to feel like more of a loser than ever, and then blame it on those bastards. There, see how easy that was? A practiced loser is able to process virtually any stimuli and turn it into another reason not to get off the couch today.
Let me give you a few personal examples of assigning blame. Today my hip hurts. It has hurt for about two days. This is probably due to my sedentary lifestyle and the fact that I tend to lounge on my left side quite a lot of the time. My hip hurts, therefore anything I was going to do today that may have been somewhat productive has been officially canceled. That's an example of a short-term blame assignment. For the bigger picture we have to zoom out a little bit.
"Hey, LoserGirl, why are you such a loser?" someone asks in a hypothetical tone of voice.
"Gosh, well, I really haven't thought about it. Ha ha! Just kidding. I do nothing but think about that all day and also pick my nose. Anyway, I guess it all started with my parents divorce and..."
You see where I'm going with this?
Choosing easy targets for your blame game will help the novice loser until he/she builds up enough experience to assemble highly complex and elaborate sets of variables in order to fabricate a truly impenetrable fortress of blame, shutting out any sense of personal responsibility or control. Blame should be like a thread that runs through everything in the tapestry of a loser's life. Give it a try this week and I think you'll notice results!
Best,
LoserGirl
Friday, July 1, 2011
Welcome to Loserville!
Hi Folks, or more accurately, hi to the one person who will come across this blog and actually read it someday. I'm The Amazing Loser Girl, and these are my adventures and tips for living a loserly life.
First, my qualifications:
In two short days I will achieve the ripe age of 28 years. I have nothing to show for it but my inexplicable survival on this planet for close to three decades. I haven't mastered the art of... anything. I don't have a job, let alone a career, my bank account is perpetually running on empty, my credit sucks so much that scientists have accidentally mistaken it for the location of a black hole, and I have a roof over my head that is kindly provided by my maternal Grandparents, rent-free. I'm about 30 pounds overweight (down from 50 3 months ago, because I am a loser in more ways than 1) and I smoke a half a pack to a pack a day of Pall Mall Full Flavor 100s. Needless to say, I don't have health insurance. I did attend college but I dropped out and never went back. My outlook for the future closely resembles the dystopian visions of 19th and 20th century literature with a side of climate change and the collapse of civilization. The landscape of my past is dotted with opportunities for achievement and blotted with repeated failures to achieve, making the map of my life look like someone dripped coffee all over it, (which they probably did).
I am the lone loser in a crop of wildly successful schoolmates, friends, relatives, and neighbors. I alone carry the torch of defeat, which is emblazoned with the Official Losers' Motto: "Why Try?". Soon I will bear the torch into the next decade of my life, or so it seems. I live in a rural area, so getting hit by a bus before my 30th birthday is unlikely, but I could still slip in the shower and conk my noggin on the side of the tub, or, less likely, I could somehow transform into a non-loser before July 3, 2013.
I wanted to write a blog, and I am best qualified to write about being a loser, because that's what I do best. It's something I know a lot about. If you're interested in becoming a loser, I can lay out several steps that will make you, yes, YOU, a world-class loser like me. And contrary to what you might believe, everyone can achieve loserdom. Some people have an inner spark of self-motivation that will never let them quit until they get what they want out of life. For them, it takes a lot of practice. Then, as Shakespeare said, "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them." This is also true of being a loser. If you're trying to achieve loserhood, Here are a few basic ideas to get you started on that long road to failure, ridicule and scorn.
In order to become a loser, you first need to feel like one. You can start with creative visualizations. Close your eyes and imagine yourself lying on a tattered couch, all of your dreams have wound up in crushing, humiliating defeat, dead ends, and setbacks. Every time you try to achieve something, the universe produces and equal, but opposite reaction in response to the amount of effort you put forth in each endeavor. Every time you came close enough to your goals to catch the sweet scent of victory wafting from the delicious pie of success atop that high hill, Sisyphus' boulder rolls down and flattens you. Good. Now you are building the mindset of self-loathing and bitter disappointment that every loser needs.
Next you have to look the part. Losers like me didn't get this way overnight. You need to cultivate a lot of laziness and hurdle any lingering sense of self-motivation. All exercise is to be shunned until your pores seal themselves and you are physically incapable of breaking a sweat. Decent personal hygiene smacks of self-respect so that has to go. Stop flossing. Brush your teeth maybe once a week. Put off showering until the sensation of dirtiness becomes physically uncomfortable.
Also, you will need to wear the same thing every single day. This could be a bathrobe, a pair of pajamas, or just a t-shirt and sweat pants. If you must include footwear, flip-flops or bedroom slippers are the way to go. Next, be sure to adorn your clothing with several weeks worth of food and beverage spills. When your "uniform" begins to wear out and holes appear, don't patch them, even if your junk hangs out or it gives the world a picture window view of your nether-regions. If you don't own furry household pet, borrow one from a friend and cuddle it until your uniform is covered in a light coating of dog and/or cat fur. Don't neglect the rump-area of your pants/robe, sitting on a pet bed is a good tip I read somewhere. Remember, if you break down and wash your outfit, you will have to start this process over again, and you hate putting forth effort.
For someone who doesn't do anything all day, your lifestyle requires a LOT of caffeine. Some go the soda route, others, coffee. There is no one right way to fulfill your caffeine quota, this is more the freestyle arena of loserhood. If soda is your drug of choice, pick one brand and stick to it. If you choose cans, stick with cans, if you choose plastic bottles, stick with that. You can display your handiwork by either lining up the semi-empty containers on your desk/floor/loser nest, or by putting them in a loose, overflowing black trash bag. Those who go the coffee route have two options as well. You can either have one mug that you repeatedly reuse without washing, or you can have several (20-30) that you use in succession, lining them up along any exposed surface available after use. The coffee cups in succession method has a more stunning visual effect, but the single-use coffee mug really makes you feel like someone who doesn't give a damn. The choice is a matter of personal preference. Either way, your consumption must never involve doing dishes.
You can take out the trash every once in a while. You don't need to end up on Hoarders to be a loser, as long as you don't make a habit of doing it on any set schedule, like, when the trash bag happens to be full. Then it looks like you're not being lazy enough. If you receive a house guest unexpectedly, how would it look if you didn't have trash piled up well above the capacity of your trash bag/waste basket? You don't want people to go around with the impression that you're trying to clean up your act. Besides, it helps your reputation as a loser to be seen by neighbors in your filthy, tattered uniform every now and then.
Now, since you probably don't have a job, what will you do with all that free time on your hands? Write the Great American Novel? Travel to exotic locales? Donate your time to a local charity seeking much-needed volunteers? Learn how to make hand-crafted cuckoo clocks? No. None of those things is an appropriate activity for a loser. In fact, the very word "activity" needs to be stricken from your vocabulary. In order to escape your uncomfortable feelings of self-awareness, you need to find a pastime that is:
a) Unproductive
b) Repetitive
c) Mind-numbing
d) Contributes to your lack of self-worth
Video and computer games are a great use of your time. Remaining stationary for long periods should always be your goal from the moment you wake up in the afternoon /evening, until you go to bed at whenever the hell you feel like it. Entertainment magazines are an excellent drain on your time and resources as well as full of useful information about new time-wasting products, tv shows, movies, and useless trivia you can put in your brain to crowd out memories of past failures and feelings of shame. Bonus points are awarded to those who pursue nerdy, childlike hobbies like an obsession with building things out of Lego blocks or secretly playing with dolls. A sure mark of loserhood is when you do things that no one could possibly consider appropriate for someone your age.
A loser's friendships with people outside his/her family will almost universally be based either on pity, or the other person's need to feel like less of a loser when he/she compares his/her life to yours. Your past is surely filled with promising friendships that went sour, so every time you contemplate the idea of trying to make new friends your nostrils fill with the sickening smell of spoiled milk and you want to barf. Life has taught you the hard lesson that People Suck and are to be avoided. You must wrap yourself in a stinky cloud of shame and fart gas in order to ward off potential new relationships. Maintain remaining friendships only when you feel like it and let the other person do all the work. They'll probably end up dumping you anyway, so why bother?
The only dream a loser should strive toward is living in a van down by the river, eating government cheese.
I hope you found this introduction helpful. It has kept me stationary for a decent amount of time, so I consider it a successful failure.
First, my qualifications:
In two short days I will achieve the ripe age of 28 years. I have nothing to show for it but my inexplicable survival on this planet for close to three decades. I haven't mastered the art of... anything. I don't have a job, let alone a career, my bank account is perpetually running on empty, my credit sucks so much that scientists have accidentally mistaken it for the location of a black hole, and I have a roof over my head that is kindly provided by my maternal Grandparents, rent-free. I'm about 30 pounds overweight (down from 50 3 months ago, because I am a loser in more ways than 1) and I smoke a half a pack to a pack a day of Pall Mall Full Flavor 100s. Needless to say, I don't have health insurance. I did attend college but I dropped out and never went back. My outlook for the future closely resembles the dystopian visions of 19th and 20th century literature with a side of climate change and the collapse of civilization. The landscape of my past is dotted with opportunities for achievement and blotted with repeated failures to achieve, making the map of my life look like someone dripped coffee all over it, (which they probably did).
I am the lone loser in a crop of wildly successful schoolmates, friends, relatives, and neighbors. I alone carry the torch of defeat, which is emblazoned with the Official Losers' Motto: "Why Try?". Soon I will bear the torch into the next decade of my life, or so it seems. I live in a rural area, so getting hit by a bus before my 30th birthday is unlikely, but I could still slip in the shower and conk my noggin on the side of the tub, or, less likely, I could somehow transform into a non-loser before July 3, 2013.
I wanted to write a blog, and I am best qualified to write about being a loser, because that's what I do best. It's something I know a lot about. If you're interested in becoming a loser, I can lay out several steps that will make you, yes, YOU, a world-class loser like me. And contrary to what you might believe, everyone can achieve loserdom. Some people have an inner spark of self-motivation that will never let them quit until they get what they want out of life. For them, it takes a lot of practice. Then, as Shakespeare said, "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them." This is also true of being a loser. If you're trying to achieve loserhood, Here are a few basic ideas to get you started on that long road to failure, ridicule and scorn.
In order to become a loser, you first need to feel like one. You can start with creative visualizations. Close your eyes and imagine yourself lying on a tattered couch, all of your dreams have wound up in crushing, humiliating defeat, dead ends, and setbacks. Every time you try to achieve something, the universe produces and equal, but opposite reaction in response to the amount of effort you put forth in each endeavor. Every time you came close enough to your goals to catch the sweet scent of victory wafting from the delicious pie of success atop that high hill, Sisyphus' boulder rolls down and flattens you. Good. Now you are building the mindset of self-loathing and bitter disappointment that every loser needs.
Next you have to look the part. Losers like me didn't get this way overnight. You need to cultivate a lot of laziness and hurdle any lingering sense of self-motivation. All exercise is to be shunned until your pores seal themselves and you are physically incapable of breaking a sweat. Decent personal hygiene smacks of self-respect so that has to go. Stop flossing. Brush your teeth maybe once a week. Put off showering until the sensation of dirtiness becomes physically uncomfortable.
Also, you will need to wear the same thing every single day. This could be a bathrobe, a pair of pajamas, or just a t-shirt and sweat pants. If you must include footwear, flip-flops or bedroom slippers are the way to go. Next, be sure to adorn your clothing with several weeks worth of food and beverage spills. When your "uniform" begins to wear out and holes appear, don't patch them, even if your junk hangs out or it gives the world a picture window view of your nether-regions. If you don't own furry household pet, borrow one from a friend and cuddle it until your uniform is covered in a light coating of dog and/or cat fur. Don't neglect the rump-area of your pants/robe, sitting on a pet bed is a good tip I read somewhere. Remember, if you break down and wash your outfit, you will have to start this process over again, and you hate putting forth effort.
For someone who doesn't do anything all day, your lifestyle requires a LOT of caffeine. Some go the soda route, others, coffee. There is no one right way to fulfill your caffeine quota, this is more the freestyle arena of loserhood. If soda is your drug of choice, pick one brand and stick to it. If you choose cans, stick with cans, if you choose plastic bottles, stick with that. You can display your handiwork by either lining up the semi-empty containers on your desk/floor/loser nest, or by putting them in a loose, overflowing black trash bag. Those who go the coffee route have two options as well. You can either have one mug that you repeatedly reuse without washing, or you can have several (20-30) that you use in succession, lining them up along any exposed surface available after use. The coffee cups in succession method has a more stunning visual effect, but the single-use coffee mug really makes you feel like someone who doesn't give a damn. The choice is a matter of personal preference. Either way, your consumption must never involve doing dishes.
You can take out the trash every once in a while. You don't need to end up on Hoarders to be a loser, as long as you don't make a habit of doing it on any set schedule, like, when the trash bag happens to be full. Then it looks like you're not being lazy enough. If you receive a house guest unexpectedly, how would it look if you didn't have trash piled up well above the capacity of your trash bag/waste basket? You don't want people to go around with the impression that you're trying to clean up your act. Besides, it helps your reputation as a loser to be seen by neighbors in your filthy, tattered uniform every now and then.
Now, since you probably don't have a job, what will you do with all that free time on your hands? Write the Great American Novel? Travel to exotic locales? Donate your time to a local charity seeking much-needed volunteers? Learn how to make hand-crafted cuckoo clocks? No. None of those things is an appropriate activity for a loser. In fact, the very word "activity" needs to be stricken from your vocabulary. In order to escape your uncomfortable feelings of self-awareness, you need to find a pastime that is:
a) Unproductive
b) Repetitive
c) Mind-numbing
d) Contributes to your lack of self-worth
Video and computer games are a great use of your time. Remaining stationary for long periods should always be your goal from the moment you wake up in the afternoon /evening, until you go to bed at whenever the hell you feel like it. Entertainment magazines are an excellent drain on your time and resources as well as full of useful information about new time-wasting products, tv shows, movies, and useless trivia you can put in your brain to crowd out memories of past failures and feelings of shame. Bonus points are awarded to those who pursue nerdy, childlike hobbies like an obsession with building things out of Lego blocks or secretly playing with dolls. A sure mark of loserhood is when you do things that no one could possibly consider appropriate for someone your age.
A loser's friendships with people outside his/her family will almost universally be based either on pity, or the other person's need to feel like less of a loser when he/she compares his/her life to yours. Your past is surely filled with promising friendships that went sour, so every time you contemplate the idea of trying to make new friends your nostrils fill with the sickening smell of spoiled milk and you want to barf. Life has taught you the hard lesson that People Suck and are to be avoided. You must wrap yourself in a stinky cloud of shame and fart gas in order to ward off potential new relationships. Maintain remaining friendships only when you feel like it and let the other person do all the work. They'll probably end up dumping you anyway, so why bother?
The only dream a loser should strive toward is living in a van down by the river, eating government cheese.
I hope you found this introduction helpful. It has kept me stationary for a decent amount of time, so I consider it a successful failure.
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